Not Dead Yet…and Still Sober

May 15, 2012 in Alcoholic Ramblings with 11 Comments

That’s right, I’m still ticking and thankfully so.

Y’all please accept my sincerest apology and try to understand what I’m about to spew forth upon my few remaining readers.

I’m still alive (obviously…sorta). I’m still sober (not obvious). I’m still actively involved in my recovery program (obvious to some of you that see me regularly).

BUT: I have something I need to explain about my State Of the Self (hmmm that has a cool ring to it. SOS- State Of the Self. I like it). Okay, here goes…the death of my previous sponsor twisted me further than I expected to go.

There, I’ve said it.

When Curly died, I knew that I was going to mourn for a little while. Some of you even stated that it may take a few weeks or so. Well, when a few weeks came and went, I was expecting all of those feelings to just up and disappear. Right?

Wrong

And, when all of those feelings didn’t just up and disappear, I started feeling like I was being selfish and unreasonable.

Now, here’s the kicker: What finally evolved from all of those feelings was the fact that I couldn’t let myself talk about it with others. I figured that if I let on that I’m still upset about Curly’s death, then y’all would think that I was displaying obvious histrionic behavior and that I was begging for attention!

And I certainly couldn’t have all of you thinking that about me! 

So, I just hid my emotions and pretended like I had moved on, when in reality, I was missing my dear friend terribly! 

Still am.

Since I’m a card carrying misanthrope, it’s not often I allow another human being get as close to me as I did Curly. And I am still trying to process it. So please be patient and don’t give up on me yet. I’ve got plenty more to write. I’ll come around eventually.

Thanks

-stay awesome

-cooper

 

Another Small Miracle In Sobriety

April 11, 2012 in Alcoholic Ramblings, What it's Like Now with 5 Comments

Ever notice how the pictures I post with each blog I write usually have nothing to do with my topic? Wanna know why? Because I don’t care! I just like showing cool pictures.

Okay, now that that little piece of worthless info is out of the way, I want to express my thanks and gratitude to my wife, Susie.

Today is our 11 year Anniversary. And…it’s a miracle that woman has lasted as long as she has! Seriously. If you’ve been reading and paying attention to this blog, then you have a modicum of insight into what I’m saying.

This isn’t meant to be a 4th or 5th step, but I just wanted to crystallize my experience with this particular relationship. God knows I’ve damaged so many other relationships while trapped in the throes of this disease.

No one else in the history of me has stuck by me like Susie has. Sometimes she has wondered, aloud, if sticking with me is a detrimental strike against her character! I don’t know, but I figured God will bless her some day for doing so. I can’t really define her role in my recovery, but I can certainly acknowledge the fact that she didn’t make me go it alone.

By not kicking me to the curb, she allowed me to effectively work my program and apply it to our relationship, which in turn showed me that being sober and staying sober might actually be the way to go. I was able to witness, first hand, the healing process of recovery. If I’d been alone through all of this, who’s to say if I would’ve stuck it out or not. I don’t do so good on my own!

Yes, I still would’ve had my fellow alcoholics in recovery, but none of them ever offered to come home with me and hold me accountable!

BUT, Susie stuck with me, and I am truly grateful for that!

Thanks Babe! Happy Anniversary!

- y’all stay Awesome!

-cooper

 

 

Living Sober, What a Concept

March 28, 2012 in The Solution with 7 Comments

I can certainly remember how it used to be upon waking, desperately trying to recall what just happened. What was the last thing I did before I blacked out.

I was not of the part-time drinking brigade. I was an everyday consumer. Is it possible for one to truly become accustomed to a nebulous, half-witted existence? You betcha.

It was a necessary (chronic?) modus operandi that consisted of a complete and total dependence on alcohol to get me through my day. OR, if it wasn’t readily available, just scheming for when I would finally procure my next fix would, at the least, provide false hope (or is it misguided anticipation? I don’t know what to call that feeling of anticipated elation).

That was my life for many, many years.

It really isn’t relevant how long it is that I drank, but it was for quite awhile. Now, as I’ve come to understand, it’s all about why I drank. I was an empty, arrogant piece of doo doo, and all of my transgressions were catching up with me, corroding me mentally and spiritually, in turn facilitating my need to maintain a constant state of inebriation.

I couldn’t live with myself, knowing what I had become, spiritually. Drinking made me a little more tolerable of me.

And, the icing on the cake? I was a mean drunk. Seriously

So, after all of the realizations and interventions of desperate, caring loved ones, the wonderful Police Dept. or one’s own self loathing, a decision is made to surrender and give it a sober go. But, how in the world does one live sober when living un-sober is all he or she knows?

Well, first off, I had to surround myself with like-minded people; folks that used to depend on alcohol (like me), but that are now learning to live life on life’s terms, one day at a time. This group of ‘like-minded’ people shall remain anonymous, but I could not have done it without them. I have read many negative things about this group and their way of recovery, but I had tried everything else (I think) and didn’t feel like I had any other option.

The last house on the left, so to speak.

Needless to say, I had to make some major changes in my life. I had to learn and then practice a new way of thinking. And change SUCKS for a guy like me!

I had to start growing up.

I had to stop blaming others for my own indiscretions.

I had to stand up and be accountable.

I had to realize that there is a God, and I ain’t it.

…oh, and I had to quit drinking….

And that’s just for starters…more to come on Living Sober (I’ll try to not take so long next time!).

-stay awesome

-cooper

 

 

 

Humility, Or The Lack Thereof

March 6, 2012 in How I Do It, The Solution, What it's Like Now with 0 Comments

What is humility, really?

Is walking around town, wielding a Bible, vociferating scripture considered an aire of humility? Or, say, bringing a Bible to a news conference, being aware of the fact that your likeness will be broadcast nationwide, for all to see? Is that an example of humility?

Let’s see:

Humility (humble)- 1) not proud or arrogant; modest. 2) having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc….

I believe we get the picture. That damn Ego will get you every time. In the words of Pete Townsend:

Eminence front- it’s a put on

It was suggested to me, early on in my recovery, to quash my ego and find some humility. They said my life truly depended on it. I believe they were right. You see, I was driven by my ego, knowingly or not, while actively soaking in my alcoholic malady.

For years I pretended to ‘finally get it’ and tell ‘em all what they wanted to hear. They wanted me to stop drinking, so I’d don my eminence front, and tell them that I had. Inside, I would spit and hiss obscenities at them all, and assure myself that I was the smarter, more worthy being of intelligence.

looky at how smart I am…I’m gonna fool you all! how dare you tell me how to live my life. you think I’m an idiot? huh?! I’ll show you! you can’t possibly understand who I am and what I’m about. alcohol sustains me, people! It’s who I am, so leave me the FUCK alone!!!

So, driven by ego as I was, I’d present the facade of blissful abstinence, and then imbibe like a psycho hoarder at every deserted moment. *They’ll never know, I’d advise myself .

That’s who I was when I surrendered, again, this last time. And I can confidently say that my lack of humility was countering all previous attempts at recovery.

How did I finally find, or at least seek humility? I took the suggestion of a very dear friend and got on my knees, bowed my head, and prayed.

Oh, and I didn’t pray for myself, oh no! I had to pray for every lousy piece of shit that I thought had done me wrong in the past. Absurd! you say? I thought so too, but that’s what I did, and it worked.

For me, it didn’t work from praying while pinching a loaf, or while driving down the road, or while lying in bed at night. I had to literally get on my knees, bow my head, and pray for all of the idiots around me. And, I had to mean it! 

Those little foxhole prayers don’t cut it, (even though I’m still guilty of throwing those out there occasionally). The only thing I ask for myself is to show me the way, please keep me sober, and thank you at night. That’s it, folks. It ain’t that hard.

I also had to learn how to keep my arrogant, disrespectful mouth shut (but that’s a different post altogether).

Now, what I’m saying here isn’t going to get you sober all by itself. There’s plenty of leg work I had to do, and I’m still doing it. The biggest benefit of prayer, that I’ve experienced, is that it gets me out of myself, and leaves me more open to letting God in. 

It’s all about getting that Ego out of the way first. My ego is always telling me that I know what’s best for me and you! And if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know exactly where I used to be. I have held no punches when it comes to my experience.

I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I guarantee you it’s better than what I was going to get doing it my way.

-stay awesome

-cooper

*of course, they ALL knew.

 

Insipid State of Recovery

March 2, 2012 in Alcoholic Ramblings, What it's Like Now with 6 Comments

I think I’m played out. I’m mentally void of any and all types of sober suggestions. Even my experiences are, auto-analytically speaking, uninspiring.

I think I’m bored with sobriety

That is to say, after all of my trudging and house cleaning, emotionally and physically, the recovery evolution has come to a stagnant, humdrum continuance.

Remember when it was new? Being pissed off because you couldn’t successfully drink anymore yet enthralled with those lying assholes that kept telling you that they were sober, and this is how you do it? ‘Come! Join us! Let us attain sobriety together, my brother!’ Are you kidding me? This I gotta see.

So, I hopped aboard the recovery choo-choo train and surrendered to their incessant suggestions. (Let us not get into who they are… lest I’ll be hung by my Buster Browns). So, I did what they suggested (told) me to do, and lo’ and behold, I’ve been sober for over 5 years now.

End of story? Uhh, not quite…not even close.

They warned me that life keeps on keeping on (well, duhh!), and that I’ll eventually adjust to living life on life’s terms. I’m still not totally certain what that really means (think about it). Quite honestly, I was living life on life’s terms, and part of those terms included a daily, 100 proof shower. Who’s to say that those terms were a misprint? It’s what was taught to me, right? Isn’t that what we all do?

I guess now I can say that I have a new rule book, and drinking ain’t in the index. But, I’m starting to get a little bored. I’ve actually caught myself thinking, ‘is this all there is? okay, I’m sober…now what?’

Aside from subscribing to yet another period of unabashed abasement, I think I’ll dig deeper into this recovery deal. You know, that’s partly why I started this blog; to avoid a boring, uninteresting period of recovery; to keep these hands busy with helping and giving rather than snorting or drinking.

Hey, I’m not complacent, not knowingly anyway. It feels like I’ve traversed the Continental Divide, and now I’m standing on the flat, featureless plain on the other side, with no discernible land marks for miles around me. Just barren, empty wasteland. Is that too dramatic an analogy? I hope not, ’cause that’s exactly how I see it.

-stay awesome

-cooper

 

 

Page 1 of 1312345»10...Last »